“WAKE UP!" yelled my mother. Suddenly my eyes opened. However
I discovered my mom's eyes filled with tears.
"Tyreek?" Thank god you’re ok!" she shrieked.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Someone snuck up on you and hit you on the head really
hard with a bat!" I was thinking hard about who did this to me while
gingerly being strapped with yellow belts on the stretcher. A thought popped up
in my head, it was Bob. The kid that Carlos and I fought with. I asked if
Carlos was ok. Officer Tony had caught Bob at his doorstep and took him right
into custody.
At the beginning it has way to much periods right after another.
ReplyDeleteInstead of saying ''someone snuck up on you and hit you on the head really hard with a bat'' you should write '' someone snuck up on you and hit you hard with a bat.'' That just gives the sentence a better flow. Good story though.
ReplyDeleteno thx
ReplyDeleteWhen you wrote, However I discovered my mom's eyes filled with tears. maybe you should have written, However, I discovered that my mom's eyes had filled with tears. It's just a slight difference but it's your story.
ReplyDeletei think you should do it like this "Tyreek? Thank god you’re ok!" she shrieked. instead of "Tyreek?" Thank god you’re ok!" she shrieked. its the quotation marks after Tyreek or put quotation marks before Thank you. overal nice story ..
ReplyDelete