The Disturbance
“Hello?” Bob said after hearing some
disturbance in his room. Then
the lock clicked and he got up in hurry. Dashed to the door and opened it. All Bob could see in the corridor was a shadow, sprinting down the stairs, “HELLO?” he screamed but no one replied. He quickly stretched and rubbed his
eyes, he ran as fast as he could down his rugged steps, at the bottom of the
steps he saw a big crowd with a massive cake and they beautifully sang, “happy birthday!” He walked to his amazing parents and he cried joyfully, “Love you mom and dad.”
good story only remember no double punctuation so it should be "hello?"
ReplyDeleteNice story but there should be a comma between shadow and sprinting so it would be like this. all bob could see in the corridor was a shadow, sprinting down the stairs
ReplyDeleteAlso I think in the end you should make bob say "love you mom and dad" instead of "love you mom" love you dad" I think it just makes more sense
remember you need to take out the coma after "Hello?"
ReplyDeletewhat lock clicked? you should explain what locked clicked in your story.
ReplyDeletei think you should change whispered to cried so it would be
ReplyDelete"He walked to his amazing parents and joyfully cried, “Love you mom, love you dad.”